The Great Defeat
by severus-fan
Summary: Instinctively, Doumeki knew: it was time to put the egg to good use. Doumeki/Watanuki, crack, romance, safe for work, complete.


**Inspired by a conversation with anyjen about where Doumeki keeps that egg, seeing as it needs to be "close by him". Pockets are an obvious choice, but I've never seen him with any and it's funnier this way.  
**

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.  
**

xxxHolic  
Title: The Great Defeat  
Genre: **CRACK**, romance.  
Pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki.  
Rating: Safe For Work. I think.  
Word Count: 759  
Summary: Doumeki knows it's time.

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Instinctively, Doumeki knew: it was time to put the egg to good use.

To his right stood the group of strangers. The tall one in black watched Doumeki closely, though the boy knew that if the dangerous man with the ugly sideburns in front of him so much as twitched, the man in black would notice. The blond next to him had a small smile curling his lips -- he looked dangerous, almost cruel, as he watched the man with the sideburns. The one Watanuki had called Syaoran was clutching the girl to him, his face dirty and cut. He looked nervous, worried, but made no move to leave the girl's side.

To his left, Watanuki flailed. It was his best flailing yet, his whole body shaking as the arms flung about, one moment making windmill motions, the next randomly waving. His feet danced upon the ground, and Doumeki idly thought that he'd make a good tap-dancer.

"HURRY UP YOU IDIOT THERE'S NO TIME--"

"Hn," Doumeki responded. If he wanted to keep his hearing, he'd better get to it. The tall teenager reached down and unbuttoned his pants. The sideburns-man raised an eyebrow, and to his right the young boy gasped and made an aborted movement to cover the girls eyes, despite her lack of consciousness. The blond's smile changed from bloodthirsty to amused, and he murmured, "Oh my." A vein popped in the dark man's forehead.

Doumeki took this in as he unzipped his pants, and calmly slid his hands inside. To his left, Watanuki made a choking noise. A quick glance his way showed Watanuki turning a funny shade of red. His mouth was open and his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. His eyes were fixed on Doumeki's midsection. The tall boy rummaged around a bit, until his fingers brushed what he was searching for. It took another moment for him to grip it, the position of the item making it difficult for him to get a good grasp on.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NO TIME TO BE GROPING YOURSELF!" Watanuki screeched, and Doumeki winced as it pierced his ears. The loud boy's shock hadn't lasted long. Doumeki pulled his hand out, his hand curled around the precious item, and held it up for all to see.

"IS THAT -- OH MY GOD, DID YOU JUST PULL AN EGG OUT OF YOUR PANTS?" Watanuki flailed harder, looking like he was attempting to dance while having a fit of some sort. It was really funny, and Doumeki couldn't keep from smiling a little.

"No."

"NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO, I SAW YOU --"

"I pulled it from my underpants."

Silence met his calm words. Doumeki's blank expression did not change.

As everyone blinked at this unexpected and disturbing news, Doumeki palmed the egg and took careful aim. He pulled his arm back and swung forward, letting the egg loose. His natural athleticism came in handy once again as the egg sailed straight for his target. The egg flew through the air before slamming into Sideburn Man's crotch. He doubled-over, a gasp escaping from between his lips. Doumeki nodded, satisfied.

It was about then that Watanuki gathered his wits and began to flail again, just as hard as before. Bellowing, his eyes on Doumeki, the messy-haired youth didn't watch where he was heading and smacked Sideburn Man in the head with one waving hand. Though he had realized he'd hit someone, Watanuki couldn't stop as his momentum moved him right into the enemy's space and knocked him over. Sideburn Man's head knocked against the stone steps, an ugly sound that echoed throughout the room.

There was silence once again. Everyone watched in shock as Fei Wong Reed breathed his last.

It was over.

OMAKE:

"You don't carry an egg around in your pants, you idiot! You're lucky Sakura-chan was unconscious and Himawari-chan wasn't there, or I WOULD END YOU."

Doumeki made a noise, one suspiciously like 'hn'.

"Syaoran-kun probably thinks I'm hanging around with perverts!"

"Hn."

"Can't you say more than 'hn', for once? LISTEN TO ME, YOU DOLT. I can't have people going around thinking that I know people that would keep an egg in their...their...IT'S NOT DECENT."

Bored, going deaf, and ready for them to move on, Doumeki reached up and yanked Watanuki down into his lap. He brushed his lips against the bi-colored eyed boy's, and then did so again much more firmly when said boy showed no signs of moving. Several minutes later, they stopped for air, their chests heaving. Doumeki wanted to do that again. He wanted to kiss Watanuki again, and do some other stuff. He wanted....

"Inari sushi."

"YOU BIG PILE OF --"

THE (happy) END

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**I seem to be fond of writing crack. And I'm in a writing mood, so there might be more postings later on.**


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